Life truly goes by in a blink of an eye. This past year feels more like a dream than my life – and most of it being a nightmare. Never thought I’d say that. I’m so grateful for the love of friends near and far (how blessed are we to have the internet?), family, coworkers, and even acquaintances during what was, honestly, one of the worst years of my life.
I don’t use those words often. Or lightly, for that matter. But there really is no point in mincing words.
If you’ve been following my instagram or happen to be someone I interact with in my personal life, then you know many of the factors that played a part in this past year’s difficulties. The most significant among them: my father’s aggressive colon cancer returned and, ultimately, he passed away in October.
I am all about cultivating joy and gratitude. For me, especially with my journey with anxiety and depression, cultivation of joy and gratitude has often been a lifeline. A form of resiliency and strength. And I am most definitely grateful for them. (Gratitude for gratitude – I know, very meta.)
Honesty and authenticity matters, too, though. That means being honest: this year was hard. One of the hardest yet. This year finding stable ground under my feet or a moment to breathe was difficult. Self-care went out the door. Learning to walk with and carry different griefs and changes to life situations was an uphill learning curve. It still is that way and will be for the foreseeable future, I am sure. I have never been one to like amusement parks – especially rollercoasters. Tried them once, white-knuckled and eyes-closed alongside my indulgent grandfather, and hated them. Whirling around at adrenaline pumping high speeds around corners and down hills? No, thank you. (I can make enough adrenaline just by overthinking my day. I do not need to experience it for recreation.) Now, I can truly say that I equally dislike real-life rollercoasters.
There were good moments, too. Life is funny like that. Rarely is it existing in a vacuum of just one thing. Often, we’re holding two opposite things simultaneously. You can be going through it in the worst of ways…but if you step back a moment and look, you can find some beauty and joy coexisting alongside the chaos, struggles, or grief.
Not every rain cloud has a silver lining. You can most definitely make one, though. (That’s how I view things, anyway)
That’s how this past year felt. There was so much muck. So much grief, change, suffering, tears, and chaos. And yet…there was also a lot of love, support, and beauty. The latter did not negate the former. It did not prevent it or take it away. It did make the burden a bit lighter to hold, though. The lightening of the weight was a huge blessing.
As we bridge into 2025, this is what I am so grateful for when I look back on 2024:
- I am so grateful for the community that rallied around us, even when we were not always able to act upon that love and support.
- I am so grateful for my sense of the mundane being special and time being preciously finite. It resulted in videos and images that I will always treasure.
- I am grateful for the gift of art and writing, to help my soul heal. And for reading and how it can be a necessary escape.
- I am grateful for the kindness of strangers in how they cared for my father and our family, particularly in hospice.
- I am grateful for early morning moments before the day began, which became anchors in life’s storm.
- I am grateful that the last words spoken between my father and I were “I love you.” So many are not as lucky.
- I am grateful for the love of friends, family, and community as it showed up in all of its active forms. There are not enough thank-you cards that could be sent to properly do it justice.
- I am grateful for those who so courageously hold space for all of me, including my grief. It is not easy to witness pain and soften to the vulnerability of it. Yet, it is a gift to be seen by those courageous enough to hold that space.
- I am grateful for the sacred space my spirituality has made, giving solace, peace, and comfort when my heart needs it most.
- I am grateful for the grace others gave me when I could not show up and be present in ways I normally would or when hard, seemingly impossible decisions had to be made.
I never would have fathomed that in 2024 I’d have watched my father rapidly deteriorate and succumb to cancer he thought he’d overcome; have to learn to navigate the world and life without him so soon (especially this current world); or have no choice but to rehome our Theo, to give him the best life possible, due to those events. (He has the best, loving forever home.) No matter the possibilities of reality, you never truly believe it will come to pass…until it does.
While I wish I could say 2025 came with many goals and dreams, I cannot. Maybe it will! Just… not at this moment.
Right now, 2025 is for focusing on finding some sense of grounding, of normalcy, of healing in the wake of last year’s aftermath. (The last few years’ aftermath, if we’re being totally honest.) It is about trying to find space again for dreaming and goals; for taking action in areas that have slackened; for being active in community and areas of passion, where I can be of use; for being gentle with grief as it flows; for finding a way back to myself; and for working to cultivate joy and gratitude again.
And so, of course, that means coming back to this space. Posting here. Nurturing community with you all.
I’m so glad to be back.
I know that 2024 was a hard year for many others, too, including those in my close circle of community, friends, and family. While it currently feels impossible and improbably….may 2025 be a little gentler on us. I am wishing us all a 2025 filled with moments to cultivate of joy, gratitude, and love; opportunities to see the beauty all around us and have genuine, soulful connections with those we love; the freedom to adventure in ways that align with our souls and lives; the choice to be more active in our communities; and chances to lean into curiosity, creativity, courage, and learn new things.
Lots of love,